De Fragging the Ol' Hard Drive

Since arriving in Bali most of my time is spent
lying on the veranda of my wee Padi House, looking over the rice fields, napping and reading novels.  I have finished 3 so far, started my fourth this morning.

The Veranda

What I have not done is any studying for my GRE.  Or a whole lot of writing.  Or answering emails, working on my school application...really anything "productive" as defined by my old life.

My friend Rachel says I am de-frizzing.  Every time she says it I think of de-fragging my computer.  Because that is what it feels like I am doing...getting my hard drive back in order so it can work faster.  Being able to read novels, nap, swim, nap, stare at beauty let's my spinning brain settle back down.  I am sleeping soundly for the first time in ages - only waking up for "toilet needs" because of the immense amounts of water I am drinking (okay, maybe I am getting old too - I hear night time peeing is part of getting older).

I have not left the resort yet.  I skipped dinner twice already because I fell asleep reading.  I am mostly confined to my room.

I am relishing the life of leisure.  Knowing I will pick up the school books soon and knowing I don't need to rush.  I can just sit and look at the view for hours.  De Fragging feels so good.

The view

It was all quite idyllic until I met the Balinese masseuses who treated me yesterday.  You would think after living in Asia for two years I would remember not to be fooled by the tiny, smiling, soft-spoken asian masseuse. Welcoming you with their sing-song voice that is really like the mermaid singing...

Because it is all a lie, designed to lure you in.  These tiny women are fiercely powerful and their fingers, elbows, hands can beat you, poke you and find your most hidden tension and knots.  And they drive them out as if exorcising demons - or beating you for some horrible mis-dead.  Bloody Hell it hurt.  

If I didn't know better I could believe they switch out the masseuse as soon as your eyes are closed, bringing in the bad guy enforcer from the action movies - you know, the guy who likes to inflict pain.

Not relaxing until it was over...and then you realize how glorious it is.  Like a good workout I suppose.  Rachel is convincing me to see a reflexologist who beats your feet with a stick next.  

Life is Too Short

It is 12:30 am PST on January 15th, 2016.  I am sitting in the YVR Cathay Lounge waiting for my flight and praying the screaming baby is not on my flight.

I thought I would take a couple of minutes to address the question why now?

Many people asked  - why finish work on a Thursday?  Why not wait until the Friday?  Your RSUs vest in March - can you wait until then?  Why leave for Bali right away?  Why not wait a few days?  Why not go east and see your dogs?  You get the idea.

The answer is simple.  It has to be today.  This new chapter, this next step has to start today.  January 15th, 2016.  It is an anniversary, a dark reminder and the perfect time to change the story this day represents.

You see, 20 years ago today I gave up my life.  I stepped into the depths of grief, darkness, sadness and despair.

My dear mother died on January 15th 1996, 16 months after losing my dad.  I was lost.  and  and I spent 20 years getting back on track.  It took me 20 years to realize that life is short.

My mother was always clear with me - live your life.  Experience everything.  Travel.  Try new things.  Live life.  Don't be afraid.

I am finally listening.  And January 15th, 2016 seems like a good day to start.

Deep Breath In

It is here.  The last day of work.  I thought I would be more excited.  I am leaving for Bali less than 12 hours after all.

I underestimated how hard it is to say good-bye.  To leave behind all the great parts of this life.  My amazing friends and co-workers.  The beautiful city of Vancouver.

The city is putting on a spectacular show for me today.  The kind of bright winter sunshine that brings Vancouverites out of hiding and onto the streets.

Co-workers are sharing cards and hugs and kind words.  Reminding me of the amazing human connection that gets lost in the day to day tasks that are our jobs.

And my friends.  This is the second time I am leaving Vancouver.  Saying good-bye to people who are my family.  On Saturday they shared their wishes with me.  Wishes for adventure and health. Leaving them is the worst part of my new life.  Sure, technology let's us keep in touch but it isn't the same.

This leaving behind the old and comfortable and loved is why so many of us don't make the changes we are yearning for.  Because it is complicated.  And painful.  And scary as hell.

It is easy to talk yourself out of it.  Those days of relentless rain that makes it impossible to live in this city give way to a brilliant sunny day and all is forgiven.  It can't be that bad.

You have a great meeting or really connect with a co-worker and suddenly that job that stresses you out is a little more fun.

So, Deep Breath in.  I am going to do this.  And it will be amazing.  And a little sad.  And there is room for both of these things and a million more.

An Epic 2016

I am setting myself up for an epic 2016.

No, don't worry - I don't have a whole rash of resolutions written neatly on the first page of my brand new 2016 journal a la Bridget Jones.  Heaven knows I wouldn't keep them.  I am not in love with the man of my dreams, no big promotion looming on the horizon. and unfortunately no big Lotto Max win.  I am even realistic enough to know that this isn't the year the Leafs bring Lord Stanley's cup home.

I wish I could say 2016 will be epic because I figured it all out finally.  Nope, I am just as clueless as ever.  In fact, this year will be epic because I don't have it all figured out and I am finally surrendering to it.  2015 helped me realize that I spent too much time waiting for everything to be perfect, waiting for the perfect set of circumstances (enough money in the bank, the perfect man, the perfect job) to be in place before I start.

In 2016 I am done waiting for perfect.  I am done trying to be someone I am not.  This is the year I no longer simply do what I am good at.  I will do what I love however impractical.  For the last 20 years I have compromised, sacrificed and done the "right" thing.  All because I thought it was what was expected of me, what any good daughter, sister, employee would do.  Turns out, I was wrong.  No one really expected these things from me except maybe me.

So now the adventure begins.  I sold my beautiful Vancouver condo with views of the North Shore mountains.  I quit my well paid, Vancouver based corporate job, giving up security, title and prestige (and the purple pony that is a senior corporate HR job in Vancouver).  I purchased a ticket to Bali (feel free to insert Eat Pray Love references here), started studying for my GRE and plan to start a PhD in Leadership somewhere in the US.

Most of the time I am super excited by the uncertainty of this adventure.  It feels like the right thing to do.  It feels like what needs to happen so I can feel - pardon the cliche- whole.  The veil of my depression lifts, I feel, really feel, for the first time in a long time.  I want more of this.

Of course this excitement is frequently followed by bouts of panic - seriously, I must be fucking crazy.  What am I thinking, walking away from a great salary, stability and a wonderful apartment.  Not to mention the city of Vancouver and my beloved friends here.

Gulp, well there is no turning back.   The condo is gone, I gave notice (last day January 14th) and I leave for Bali January 15th.  Wish me luck.