De Fragging the Ol' Hard Drive

Since arriving in Bali most of my time is spent
lying on the veranda of my wee Padi House, looking over the rice fields, napping and reading novels.  I have finished 3 so far, started my fourth this morning.

The Veranda

What I have not done is any studying for my GRE.  Or a whole lot of writing.  Or answering emails, working on my school application...really anything "productive" as defined by my old life.

My friend Rachel says I am de-frizzing.  Every time she says it I think of de-fragging my computer.  Because that is what it feels like I am doing...getting my hard drive back in order so it can work faster.  Being able to read novels, nap, swim, nap, stare at beauty let's my spinning brain settle back down.  I am sleeping soundly for the first time in ages - only waking up for "toilet needs" because of the immense amounts of water I am drinking (okay, maybe I am getting old too - I hear night time peeing is part of getting older).

I have not left the resort yet.  I skipped dinner twice already because I fell asleep reading.  I am mostly confined to my room.

I am relishing the life of leisure.  Knowing I will pick up the school books soon and knowing I don't need to rush.  I can just sit and look at the view for hours.  De Fragging feels so good.

The view

It was all quite idyllic until I met the Balinese masseuses who treated me yesterday.  You would think after living in Asia for two years I would remember not to be fooled by the tiny, smiling, soft-spoken asian masseuse. Welcoming you with their sing-song voice that is really like the mermaid singing...

Because it is all a lie, designed to lure you in.  These tiny women are fiercely powerful and their fingers, elbows, hands can beat you, poke you and find your most hidden tension and knots.  And they drive them out as if exorcising demons - or beating you for some horrible mis-dead.  Bloody Hell it hurt.  

If I didn't know better I could believe they switch out the masseuse as soon as your eyes are closed, bringing in the bad guy enforcer from the action movies - you know, the guy who likes to inflict pain.

Not relaxing until it was over...and then you realize how glorious it is.  Like a good workout I suppose.  Rachel is convincing me to see a reflexologist who beats your feet with a stick next.  

An Epic 2016

I am setting myself up for an epic 2016.

No, don't worry - I don't have a whole rash of resolutions written neatly on the first page of my brand new 2016 journal a la Bridget Jones.  Heaven knows I wouldn't keep them.  I am not in love with the man of my dreams, no big promotion looming on the horizon. and unfortunately no big Lotto Max win.  I am even realistic enough to know that this isn't the year the Leafs bring Lord Stanley's cup home.

I wish I could say 2016 will be epic because I figured it all out finally.  Nope, I am just as clueless as ever.  In fact, this year will be epic because I don't have it all figured out and I am finally surrendering to it.  2015 helped me realize that I spent too much time waiting for everything to be perfect, waiting for the perfect set of circumstances (enough money in the bank, the perfect man, the perfect job) to be in place before I start.

In 2016 I am done waiting for perfect.  I am done trying to be someone I am not.  This is the year I no longer simply do what I am good at.  I will do what I love however impractical.  For the last 20 years I have compromised, sacrificed and done the "right" thing.  All because I thought it was what was expected of me, what any good daughter, sister, employee would do.  Turns out, I was wrong.  No one really expected these things from me except maybe me.

So now the adventure begins.  I sold my beautiful Vancouver condo with views of the North Shore mountains.  I quit my well paid, Vancouver based corporate job, giving up security, title and prestige (and the purple pony that is a senior corporate HR job in Vancouver).  I purchased a ticket to Bali (feel free to insert Eat Pray Love references here), started studying for my GRE and plan to start a PhD in Leadership somewhere in the US.

Most of the time I am super excited by the uncertainty of this adventure.  It feels like the right thing to do.  It feels like what needs to happen so I can feel - pardon the cliche- whole.  The veil of my depression lifts, I feel, really feel, for the first time in a long time.  I want more of this.

Of course this excitement is frequently followed by bouts of panic - seriously, I must be fucking crazy.  What am I thinking, walking away from a great salary, stability and a wonderful apartment.  Not to mention the city of Vancouver and my beloved friends here.

Gulp, well there is no turning back.   The condo is gone, I gave notice (last day January 14th) and I leave for Bali January 15th.  Wish me luck.